A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
