You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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