Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
