Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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