if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
