omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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