saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
