If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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