new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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