My first STD was from a foam party
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
