all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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