when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Who died my cat blue again?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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