I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
