Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
