Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
