the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were trust falling into bushes
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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