I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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