I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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