so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
