I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
