Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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