Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
