i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
