We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
