I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Come see our sink grown plant.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out