I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
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I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality