Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
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What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.