Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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