How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
