I wish my penis had an off switch
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
