I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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