and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
and you fell through a lawn chair
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
