He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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