I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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