I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
