Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
