i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize