come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
