I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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