Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
