I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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