what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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