Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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