I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
