She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
