I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
