I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
