who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
