I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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