I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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