my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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