dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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