i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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