i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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