Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
