coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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