Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
